One thing I've learned as I get older is that you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, especially as a woman.

My pursuit of pretty has been tough - I have wondered if what I do to look good pays off, especially when I take people's opinions too seriously.

Some of my efforts to look good have been ridiculed or misconstrued. It was even worse when they got ignored because I was supposed to do that. I rarely got constructive ways to improve on what I've done, so I've been on and off finding my beauty standard.

The last few years were a year of finding it again and realising that I don't owe anyone the correct way to be pretty. There is no correct way to be pretty.

I know I have to be decent enough in public - but pretty? Not really, as long as it's not on my terms.

I've had an on/off relationship with make-up. Most of my compliments revolving around makeup have been dating-related, because I was rarely seen with make-up, so it had to be about a guy right? What if I liked this shade of lipstick and how it felt applying it? What if the glitter eyeshadow made me feel magical?

The same applied to clothes. Now I had flaws to hide - a belly, big thighs, big arms. I had to be sure of a 'flattering' silhouette or face changing over and over again in my room. I had to look at what size my jeans were.

A mental war.

Being pretty was always related to someone else, not how these things enhanced my existence and how it was fun to play with. It had to be equal to being pretty. Now I had to spend time and money to find ways to be pretty instead of honest self-discovery.

When did my appearance become such an issue? Why did I have to go to a mental war when I had to run an errand, like buy bread? Why did I have to wear makeup when I looked just fine? Why did my belly have to shrink?

Did it help that I was constantly compared to? That another lady's gains were my loss, that I had to try harder instead of being inspired and content? That I grew resentful for how long it took to perfect a 'basic' make-up look?

Suddenly my base look was not enough, I had to try to look better so I could be chosen instead...

There was a time that I stopped trying at all. If it was not 100%, then nothing. I couldn't handle the negativity, but I lost out on opportunities to experiment and decenter said negativity.

Luckily, my need for approval has reduced due to my healing journey. The more I sought to know more about and love myself, the less 'yes' I sought. The more I studied double standards, the less I contorted to them.

Mascara and tinted lip balm only? Good enough.

A full face that looks so good that I have to take photos? Good enough.

A little roundness poking through my dress? I still look good.

I no longer let people's rejection of how I look make me waste time and money. I go out to show people who I am, not how well I can fit in because I have never fit in, it's not happening anytime soon anyway.

I wrote this because I'm tired of not meeting unspoken beauty expectations. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and hating myself because I don't want to.