I’ve been chubby most of my life. It only became a problem when people started pointing it out to me once I started high school and puberty. All my years of wearing whatever I wanted and eating whatever I wanted ended abruptly with the words, ‘watch it, do you want to be fat?’

Unfortunately, I gained weight anyway and spent most of my high school at a size 12 (36-inch waist).

I felt the effects of my weight gain, from perception to how my clothes fit. I noticed my belly ‘ruined’ outfits, my upper arms made sleeves a nightmare to wear sometimes. I tried to eat less, to walk and work out more, and wear tightening shapewear, but my body did not budge. I just went with the flow.

There was a point in time when I experienced some tough circumstances and found myself walking almost an hour home every other day. I ended up dropping to a size 8 that year, but I never noticed because of the hardships at the time. Even with this smaller body, I still felt like the younger version of me who saw a big belly, arms, and a double chin. I still cried at the thought of shopping because I had to consider my stomach, even when it was smaller. Constantly remembering not to eat too much always stayed in the back of my mind.

2020 came along and I was stuck at home. I tried to start working out, but I injured myself a lot, so I kept things light. Unfortunately, I ended up going all the way to a size 14 (38-inch waist) by the end of 2021.

I returned to my job that same year and it was all my colleagues talked about for the first week or so. Now, I was aware of my body again, my clothes, people’s reactions, and my failure to work out without injury or weight loss.

I dedicated my travels to work by walking whenever I had the chance. Walking has never injured me, so I stuck to that, but my body still remained stubborn at size 14. I would be reminded to ‘tie my stomach’ and look at the sugar in my cup. Taking photos suddenly became embarrassing because I noticed my face and overall stature. Dating was filled with confusion – I couldn’t tell if I was truly liked or fetishized. Some assumed I was already married because of my weight gain (being fat indicates happiness in some cultures).

Learning to live with this bigger body made me remember when I was 18-25 at size 8 and thinking I was big. Looking at my photos and wondering how to let her know that she actually lost weight, she’s not big any more.

Ironically, being bigger has forced me to grow my self concept and esteem more. I learned to accept how I look as I figure out how to get to a healthier weight without injury. I have also learned that true weight loss takes time, so I need to give myself grace as I also take responsibility for my self care. I am doing what I can to motivate me to work out, like light dumb bells and resistance bands.

I can say that I am body neutral at the end of the day. I don’t love my body, but I don’t hate it either. I acknowledge everything it does for me while knowing that there is a lot to improve. I now dress for my personality and comfort rather to please others. I no longer believe in wearing ‘flattering’ clothing just because people don’t like to see roundness. I don’t believe that the apple-shape is the worst shape to have; all body shapes have their issues.

Growing up has taught me to roll with tough circumstances and unfair things, and having this body showed me that I will make it, no matter how I look. This is my body, my only body.

I will be okay.