Yep, once I came to terms with how my early 20's went, I had to unlearn and deconstruct. While I have admired my own strength and growth, so many areas of my life could have been better. Instead of beating myself up for it, I'm going to do better.

Thank goodness for journaling - I get to keep my new and/or changed perspectives to myself. It's a bit sad because I wanted to share some of my new thoughts with my friends and family, but I know that I'm better off self validating.

Self validation is something new to me. I was used to looking for an unnecessary second opinion on things I knew I wanted due to avoiding conflict. It was the result of my choices being constantly rejected because 'I didn't know better yet.' So, when adulthood rolled around, I still relied on second opinions to make sure that I was 'doing it right.' The people who were used to criticising me and expecting me to accept their opinions above mine got confused, and then offended, but I had to keep on going. I was done pleasing them all the time.

I write illegible pages of hurt over 'rewards' I did not receive, even after following all the rules and being told 'not to be like the others'.

I delayed pursuing my passion for writing because I had to survive first. Survival mode took all my creativity and I wondered what life was beyond trying to survive, so I decided to spend my free time scrolling mindlessly. After wasting time and money, I told myself to start writing again, and I'm here now, writing tens of thousands of words for you to see. While I know the importance of survival, I also know that I need to take a step back and see my life. 

I had to learn that I was owed nothing. I can work hard to find an ideal partner, but I cannot force a partnership. My hard work will be rewarded with more work and I need to know if I am okay with that.

I spent a lot of time waiting for the right time.  Time doesn't wait for me - it moves even if I don't do anything else. I had no issue preparing, but I was always looking for a signal to start. I have found that I learn as I go, and I need to know how to handle each step. When I fail, I see how I can improve in the future instead of letting it define me.

I need to be be seen trying and not care about what anyone else says. I was afraid of doing a lot of things because I self conscious of mine and other people's thoughts. I wanted to show up perfect with nothing to nitpick, but now I just create and learn as I go.

A lot of things are not what I thought they were. These revelations keep me up at night.