I went from having a phobia of dying because I was suicidal, to ignoring it's existence because I suddenly decided not to kill myself anymore (yet still not wanting to live, it's a very weird constant in my life), to hating death simply because it exists, it's too final; I can never undo it no matter how much I wanted. A control freak’s (me) nightmare.
My mind is empty most often than not, I never overthink, I don't think I have demons, he'll I just right be my own demon. Whenever I'm alone and doing nothing, my mind echos the background noise. Cicadas and frogs that refuse to shut the entire fuck up, someone's hollering mother, men laughing from the depth of their guts, my keyboard clacking as I use social media.
Name it.
It is calm, but when I cry, laugh, shit, walk or drink that emptiness never leaves.
God bare me witness, if it wasn't for my religion, I'd have killed people just because I was bored and could get away with it. Also dead bodies makes me uncomfortable to clean up (P.S; I'm talking about pests here)
I have no emotional attachment to people or things because I (probably) don't have emotions. I can't date anyone because I'd get bored of their entire existence or make it my life's work to hyperfixate on things they do that I don't like.
Some days I yearn to feel something, some days I cry because I'm sad I don't feel anything, yet I dont even feel that sadness that makes me cry for not feeling anything. It's a paradox wrapped and finished up neatly with a bow. I laugh when something is funny, that's really just reflex, I furry my brow with annoyance I don't feel, I smile brightly when I see someone I know.
Shallow, fake, pretentious, EMPTY.
How can I claim I'm not feeling emotions? You ask. I know that because it's always the same tempo when I laugh, get annoyed, smile brightly, there is no spike or change I feel internally or externally.
I hate my brother and my father and they just feel like a hereditary illness that I'm going to have for the rest of my life more than family. Horrible, I know, but I hate to lie to people, especially myself. Mother inclusive but she is dead and buried now.
I hate people in summary. I wish they'd all vanish and I'd be the only one left, but if that happened I might probably lose my marbles.
Or who knows? I just might not, but let's not find out. I've got things to learn and people to take advantage of.
I'm not sure I want things to change for me but I'm not sure I want to continue like this. I'll think about it later.